Diary of an Inept Housewife: You Know You Are Middle-Aged When...

Diary of an Inept Housewife: You Know You Are Middle-Aged When...
The time has come for me to throw in the towel. I have been fighting it for years from working out to stay a size eight to using anti-wrinkle creams (and then when those didn’t work I resorted to dimming the lights). But the day came with the sign too big to ignore: “I am middle-aged.”
You know you are middle-aged when you stop getting invited to friends’ weddings and start receiving invitations to the weddings for children of your friends. Last Spring I sobbed throughout the wedding of our son’s former babysitter. She thought my tears were over the beauty of the ceremony. In reality, they were over the lost of my youth.
This brings me to my next point: You know you are middle-aged when your bedtime is earlier than your babysitter’s curfew.
You know you are middle-aged when the hottest clubs you used to hang out at are avoided by the younger generation, which used to be you.
You know you are middle-aged when sex in advertising fails to sell to you.
You know you are middle-aged when you are no longer listed as a target audience in Hollywood. That’s why you can’t find anything to watch on television or in the theaters.
You know you are middle-aged when the radio stations you listen to switch their advertisement from “the hottest music” to “classic rock” but they play the same tunes.
You know you are middle-aged when your friends start looking old.
You know you are middle-aged when the sex symbols you used to go ga-ga over play the current sex symbol’s parents. Likewise, you also know you are getting old when the rock stars you used to follow become eligible for social security. A true sign that your generation has joined the ranks of middle-aged is when you go to buy rock concert tickets and the box office has a sign up stating that they have senior citizen discounts.
You also know you are getting old when you can’t remember your favorite rock star’s name or the lyrics to your favorite song.
You know you are middle-aged when your doctor and your child’s teacher are young enough to be your children.
You know you are middle-aged when you child is old enough to be a doctor or a teacher.
You know you are middle-aged when you send your children to bed because you are tired and make them put on a sweatshirt because you’re cold.
You know you are middle-aged when you go to bed before your children because they are now old enough to go to bed on their own.
You know you are middle-aged when you really want to take a nap, but you can’t because you don’t have time.
You know you are middle-aged when a top priority in your search for a vacation spot is rest and relaxation, not romance and excitement.
You know you are middle-aged when you avoid romance and excitement.
You know you are middle-aged when you now consider a game of monopoly exciting. Exciting used to be white water rafting or skydiving.
You know you are middle-aged when you realize that you could die white water rafting and skydiving and, for this reason, start avoiding these types of sports.
You know you are middle-aged when you know people who are listed in the obituaries.
You know you are middle-aged when you stop receiving invitations from friends for baby showers, and start getting invitations from them for their daughters’ baby showers.
You know you are middle-aged when you start wearing sensible shoes.
You know you are middle-aged when you don’t look for a purse to match your outfit, but rather a sturdy one that can carry everything your need, which is a lot more than it was before you were middle-aged.
You know you are middle-aged when you stop buying a whole ensemble with your shoes and purse and clothes coming together to create a look. Who is going to notice anyway?
You know you are middle-aged when your parents stop taking you to the doctor and you start taking them.
You know you are middle-aged when no one has to tell you to behave because you are finally old enough to know better.
You know you are middle-aged when you have to tell your parents to behave because while they are old enough to know better, they are now too old to remember, or, if they can remember, care.
You know you are middle-aged when you look forward to the day that you will be too old to remember how to behave so that you can once again have an excuse to misbehave.
Now that you are over the hill, it is all downhill from here.